42. Finding New Comfort

Anxiety, it just stops your life.

-Amanda Seyfried

No, I'm not going to talk about anxiety as such. I'm going to talk about how we have learned to deal with it. We all know what it is, of course. But here's one definition:

Anxiety:
a feeling of

• worry,
• nervousness, or
• unease,

typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

One of our natural adaptations to the world around us is our response to anxiety producing times and places. When we face a situation of perceived fear or threat there are survival mechanisms that come into play.

Maureen Werrbach, MA, LCPC writes about this:

...your body is responding to a perceived threat. This is called the stress response. The stress responses, fight, flight, or freeze, help us in situations where we perceive physical or mental threat.
Link to Psych Central

Right there they are:

• Fight
• Flight
• Freeze.

They are the things of anxiety that can "stop your life." They are essential responses to life-threatening situations. The problem is that they developed when almost everything in the world around us was a life-threatening situation. That rustling of the leaves in the bush was more likely a predator than a small bird. High-level awareness was a necessity to remaining alive. What is even more important is that these responses occurred deep in the early human brain, beneath consciousness. These responses were, and are, hard-wired into who we are. These initial responses would occur in a fraction of a second before the conscious mind knew what was happening.

We still have that going on. If you are standing on the sidewalk and suddenly a car veers out of control heading at you, your mid-brain response may be as long as .2 to .3 seconds before your conscious brain knows it is happening. You will probably jump out of the way. This will happen before you know with your conscious mind that it is happening.

Two-tenths of a second doesn't seem like very long. But a vehicle moving at even 40 mph will travel about 60 feet (!) in one second. In that .2 - .3 seconds it will travel 12 - 18 feet. That may be just enough time for you to jump to safety. You probably knew that you couldn't fight the vehicle. But you may have some background that causes you to freeze instead of flee, which is fatal.

The kind of threats that our ancestors faced, though, are much less common than they used to be. We don't have wild animals stalking us, for example. Our lives, in much of the world, in spite of what we often feel or hear, are far safer on a day to day basis than they have ever been. As a result we have developed ways of evaluating anxiety-producing situations and easing the fears and sub-conscious responses. Throughout our lives we develop these self-soothing mechanisms. They are defense mechanisms against  things we don't like to feel, don't have to feel, or don't want to feel. When we enter into an anxious place where fear, worry, nervousness or unease bubble up, we all have ways we have learned to cope with these. Therefore, these situations brings old issues up- old ways of finding safety or comfort. Even if they have become counter-productive!!

They are automatic thoughts!

We have all kinds of automatic thoughts going on all the time. They are like the trailer at the bottom of the TV screen during a ball game. While the game is happening on the screen, the trailer is telling you about other games, scores, etc. Our automatic thoughts are that trailer. Which means we don't pay much attention to them unless we have to.

If, in the middle of that ball game, you hear a "ping" or "beep" that is out of place you will most likely see something like a severe weather warning down in the trailer section. The "automatic thoughts" of the trailer are now conscious. You read the warning- and you miss the game-winning touchdown as the clock runs out. In spite of what we think we can do, multi-tasking is next to impossible.

When these thoughts are "negative" and get in the way we refer to them as "Automatic Negative Thoughts"- or ANTs. That can be a way of identifying them and putting them into a more healthy place in our mind.

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way,
ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or
a pioneer of the future.

~Deepak Chopra

But these automatic thoughts, negative or positive, are how our brains work. They are finely tuned for survival- and anxiety is a sign that something feels threatening- or at least uncomfortable and we want to change it. Which brings us back to

• fight
• flight or
• freeze.

I have spent years working in addiction counseling and treatment. For some people the anxiety response they have developed over the years is to drink or use chemicals. They are seeking comfort from, ease of the anxiety and fears. It becomes the default response. They are not even aware how it happened or, at times, even why. It has become hard-wired. It is a "flight" response. Escape. Get away.

That is an extreme example, but the way it happens is similar to the many other ways we respond. Here are some other ways:

• Flight: not taking solos because of anxiety; dropping out of the group since you can't "keep up"
• Fight: always be a rebel and a trouble-maker; be unwilling to accept what someone else is suggesting because it makes you uncomfortable; passive-aggressive responses can be just as much "fight" as some overt action.
• Freeze: Not responding to a suggestion, keep doing what you have always done and ignore the ideas. (This can look like passive-aggressive, but is different in attitude.)

When these become habitual they are also chemically wired in the per-conscious mid-brain. Does this mean we are now stuck in these old ways of dealing with these situations and feelings? Fortunately, the answer is no. One of the discoveries of neuroscience is that the brain is quite "plastic," It can "rewire" itself. If it couldn't a person who had a stroke could never learn to walk or talk again. The brain develops work arounds. We can help that process.

Actually, we have to or it won't happen. That is the purpose of physical therapy/rehab after a stroke or traumatic brain injury.  That is the purpose of recovery activities for an addict. These help the brain rewire itself in more healthy ways. Learning anxiety work arounds will help our brains move beyond the ways we have always done it and find new sources of comfort in anxious times.

On the website mentioned earlier, Maureen Werrbach suggested these proven methods (Link to Psych Central):

• Embrace imperfection. Striving for perfection always leads to stress. Practice replacing perfectionistic thinking with more acceptable, less extreme ones.

• Identify automatic thoughts. Uncover the meaning of these thoughts and you can begin to replace them with more appropriate thoughts.

• Become a neutral observer. Stop looking at the stressful situation through your emotion-filled lens. Imagine that your stressful thoughts are someone else’s. You will notice that you can see things more objectively this way.

• Practice breathing exercises. Focus your attention on your breath. Fill your lungs slowly and exhale slowly for a count of 10. Start over if you lose count. This exercise is meant to reduce your body’s response to stress.

• Accept and tolerate life events. Acknowledge, endure, and accept what is happening in your life at the moment. Focus on the present and be mindful of your surroundings. Be deliberate about allowing this exact moment to be what it is, rather than what you wish or hope it to be.

Don't expect an immediate, extreme change. Anxiety and stress response habits are as ingrained as any other long-term habit. But as we learn the newer responses and practice them as needed, they will slowly but surely become our new comfort and new normal.

P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be okay. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be okay. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.

~Danielle LaPorte

41. Inner Game 3- Developing Harmony

You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.

― Hermann Hesse

I have written several times about the idea of The Inner Game of Music, the book in which Barry Green adapted the original work of W. Timothy Gallwey and tennis to music. Basically Gallwey and Green describe two parts of who we are, Self 1 and Self 2. Simply put,

• If it interferes with your potential, it is Self 1.
• If it enhances your potential, it is Self 2.

Candace Brower on the Albuquerque Music Teacher’s blog writes about three fundamental skills for the "Inner Game": (1) awareness, (2) will, and (3) trust. A great deal of what I have covered over the past months has been focused on these ideas. With inspiration from what Ms. Brower has written as well as my own experiences and the increased knowledge of how the brain works, let me move to a new dimension of the inner game.

It would be easy to read the books and come to a logical conclusion as pointed out by Ms. Brower:

• Self 1 is the bad guy, the enemy;
• Self 2 is the good guy, the hero.

Which is too much of a black and white dichotomy for Brower and for me. All we have to do, it seems, is get rid of Self 1 and give Self 2 free reign. We will then flourish, bloom, become great. (Overstatement on purpose!) Brower asks the question:

...does Self 2 really have what it takes to learn the refined skills of playing a musical instrument or to perform a complex piece of music from memory? None of us is born with the innate ability to play a musical instrument, and in fact, it requires many years of training, and the development of very precise motor skills.

She goes on:

... I have found it helpful to recast the relationship between Self 1 and Self 2 in more positive terms that align it more closely both with Timothy Gallwey’s original conception and with what neuroscientists have since learned about the brain and nervous system. In The Inner Game of Tennis, Gallwey does not demonize Self 1, but rather encourages us to “improve the relationship” between Self 1 and Self 2. According to Gallwey, harmony [emphasis added] between Self 1 and Self 2 comes not when Self 1 disappears, but when Self 1 becomes quiet and focused, so that the “two selves are one.”

Without going into all the advances and insights in neuroscience that inform and affirm this let me simplify it very quickly.

Self 1 is seated in the thinking, decision-making part of the brain. It is hard at work doing its essential tasks when we are learning something. It is an essential part of the learning process. As we practice and repeat the new skills, the actions move deeper into the brain. We have heard people talk about "muscle memory", for example. This is when the less conscious and pre-conscious parts of the brain have taken over the activities. This is Self 2. When Self 1 begins to see that Self 2 knows what to do, Self 1 is free to learn the next thing. Hence we improve our skills, move on to more complex activities, etc.

Before putting this all together, let's go back again to Ms. Brower's thoughts:

Thus it appears that the “inner game” skills taught by Gallwey and Green—awareness, will, and trust—are skills to be learned by Self 1. It is Self 1 who must be aware and set goals, and who must learn to trust Self 2. If Self 1 cannot let go of self-judgment, driven by the need to win the approval of others, this can get in the way of performing the many other tasks that it needs to carry out.

In my own teaching, I encourage my students to think of Self 1 and Self 2, not as adversaries, but as collaborators working together in a spirit of cooperation. I help them sort out which tasks belong to Self 1 and which to Self 2, and help their two selves to work together to master the complex skills of playing a musical instrument.

How does this work, then. Here's an example:

Technique: Scales and Key Signatures

• We learn and practice up and down the scales. 
• We look at that key signature and use Self 1 to name what the flats and sharps are. 
• We then play that scale. In doing that we are learning the relationships between the different notes through hearing and seeing, at least at the beginning, the notes on the page. 
• We begin to learn consciously that this is the movement of our fingers, embouchure, air, etc. as we play this particular scale starting on whatever note we begin with.

Months and years later we are playing a piece written in that key. Self 1 pays attention, appropriately, to the key signature.  It tells Self 2, in essence, it's now in your hands. Experience has taught us that we know the key and how to play it. Self 2 takes over and does what is needed to play in that key.

Self 1 relaxes. However, it remains aware, mindful, ready to catch things like key changes, accidentals, particular rhythms, etc. Then Self 2 goofs. (We are, after all, human.) This is a new piece and as we were playing, Self 2 misses that F# or Eb of the key. Not a big deal. It is practice or rehearsal. So what do we do? Self 1 jumps back in and reminds us. We stop and circle that note. Self 1 is overriding the automatic mistake of Self 2. Self 2 is still in control. It is the driver. But Self 1 has become the navigator, as Brower describes it. The circle around the note becomes a navigation aid. Self 1 catches that and immediately sends the message through Self 2- play the sharp or flat.


The work of the brain and mind, Self 1 and Self 2, in tandem, each doing their appropriate tasks.

• Collaboration is at work- just as between ourselves and the other musicians in whatever group we are participating with. Now, though the collaboration is with ourselves! The three skills of the "inner game" are being utilized effectively.
• Awareness is at work- the mindfulness to what is happening around us in tone, style, etc.
• Will is at work- Self 1 has done its job setting goals and guiding the process to get where it is today.
• Trust is at work- or the collaboration wouldn't be happening. Self 1 knows Self 2 is competent. Fear is reduced allowing for harmony as the Hesse quote above notes.
• Harmony is the result- music is being made.

Circling around then we have the same concerns we have always had as well as the same answers. Not to be too cliched about it but it does boil down to

• practice and
• how we practice.

Simple.

39. Letting Go- A Reminder

The key to change... is to let go of fear.

-Rosanne Cash

Letting go means taking risks.
Letting go is taking action, not resisting
Controlling comes from fear - if I am not in charge, things will fall apart.

From Bill Ferguson's Mastery of Life:

Fear is a state of mind and is created by resisting a future event. For example, if you have a fear of losing someone, you are resisting the future event called, “losing the person.” The more you resist losing the person, the bigger your fear. The bigger your fear, the more you feel threatened. The more you feel threatened, the more you hang on and push the person away. By resisting the future event, you tend to make the fear come true.(How to let go and flow with life)

In a business organization book, Yes to the Mess, Frank J. Barrett relates being part of a jazz combo to successful business practices. Letting go is part of it:

Jazz musicians... often speak of letting go of deliberation and control. They employ deliberate, conscious attention in their practice, but at the moment when they are called upon to play, this conscious striving becomes an obstacle. Too much regulation and control restricts the emergence of fresh ideas. To get jazz right, musicians must surrender their conscious striving...

We're back to the practice room again. A natural place to start the process of letting go. We strive in practice and let go in performance. He is of course talking about improvising, but for most of us this letting go begins with any public performance.

In the words of saxophonist Ken Peplowski, "You carry along all the scales and all the chords you learned, and then you take an intuitive leap into the music. Once you take that leap, you forget all about those tools. You just sit back and let divine intervention take over."

I'm not sure about "divine intervention" in my trumpet playing. I'm not sure that God cares that much about what I play. My interpretation is that when I get in touch with the "spiritual" aspect of playing music, I can more easily let go and allow the music to flow.

But there is another aspect of all this letting go. Unless we are in a solo recital, we do not play alone in public performance. Whether it is a duo or trio, a combo or a wind band, our music has to fit into what the others are playing. Hence the statement I saw on Facebook one day:

Practice is to learn your part;
Rehearsal is to learn the other parts
and how your part fits in.

Wisdom.

But the letting go is really in the next step, the actual public performance. The time when nerves and stage fright, performance anxiety and just plain old "blanking out" takes over.

Here I have to make a confession: I have a very difficult time practicing what I preach when I get into a solo performance. I know I have talked about this before, but it has raised its ugly countenance again. I had some pieces down cold- in my practice room. I got to rehearsal psyched to play- and it was like I had never seen the piece before.

Damn!

Now, to be good to myself, I have made progress. I can play in the quintet and not get that fear. I can play in the concert band and, for the most part, allow my part to sing out. But the solos are still bugging me.

I do know that the techniques of letting go work. They have worked for me. I know from from experience that letting go can move me to new places. I also know that what Frank Barrett talks about above are the problems:

• Striving-
    which means working hard instead of relaxing
• Regulation and control-
  wanting to remain in charge and not trust the flow of the music
• Tense muscles-
  caused by the inner tension and growing unceretainty
• Shallow breathing-
  when we are tense we don't take the time to deeply breathe. We react and the fear cycle of fight or flight kicks in.
• Losing attention-
  and then we are in full time crisis mode.

I have talked about all these things in the past. But they bear repeating and relearning. The need to "Let Go" at those moments is essential. Taking a deep breath, realigning yourself (easier to do if you're not in the middle of a solo!), focus on what is in front of you.

This is simple. I wish it were as easy!

With time, it may be.

From the movie Frozen:

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Sidenote: I know when all this started for me and I'm going to tell that story in a Tuning Slide extra next Monday. By telling the story I may be able to do some exorcising of that demon instead of continually exercising it.)